I thought my posts were rather boring, especially for somebody that is struggling with an eating disorder. I mean, why would you want to read how good things are going for me. I started with a very successful three day cleanse followed by very clean eating of only “approved foods” for the most of April. Then I did a “planned” cheat day to try to jumpstart my metabolism followed by the worst three day cleanse I’ve every had, followed by one day of eating right and then a downhill spiral for two days. The planned cheat day was full of stuff that I hadn’t even been craving up to that point. Chips, butter bread, etc. It was all good, no guilt involved. The cleanse was a three day Refresh Cleanse by Beachbody that was given to me (thank God). It included a mid morning fiber sweep that did nothing by turn into a brick inside my gut. The food allowed was absolutely disgusting and had to be choked down. I was afraid I would shit my pants during any exercise routine, which wasn’t a real risk, as I was so blocked I looked 6 months pregnant.
So how did it happen? I’m actually trying to remember. Ok, so Wednesday and Thursday were my typical clean eating days, but I hadn’t planned ahead to Thursday night. Our evening activities included my group fitness class I lead, cheerleader practice, softball game and a band concert. To keep it simple, I ended up needing to stay in the town I work in, which is 30 miles from home and I didn’t have dinner plans. I was still totally blocked and bloated from the cleanse that ended two days prior. Yet I was hungry after a doubles day (ran 5 miles in the morning, Zumba and core workout that night with the group). Subway! Why not? I can honestly say I despise their salads and the thought of putting anymore vegetables in my body was repulsive. I got a 6 inch sandwich, chips and a drink, plugged it in to MyFitnessPal like a good girl, put in my projected bedtime snack of two squares of dark chocolate, a T of PB and 100 cal pack of raw almonds. I was still 50 calories under!!! Yay for me. Totally on track for 2 pounds/week weight loss.
My youngest opted to do band concert with mom as opposed to softball game with dad and he was brought to me hungry. And OF COURSE the band had a bake sale fundraiser and a convenient 30 minute intermission! I impulse purchased a baggie of three cake pops for myself. A baggie of choc chip cookies and another of rice crispy treats for my son. I was done! Gone! Miserable and happy and guilty and scared and ecstatic all at once. I ate the cake pops, some of the cookies and bites of the rice crispy treat. When we left there, we had to go to Walmart for a promised reward to my son for a great week. He got a wrestler action figure, I got a great big bag of popcorn and a diet coke. Got home late, tired, bloated, miserable and remembered the Chips Ahoy I’d had in the snack box for two weeks that nobody else seemed interested in. Broke into those babies. Now I feel totally sick. Forget the healthy dark chocolate, PB and almonds. That sounds disgusting at this point, when normally it’s a very satisfying and enjoyable snack. Cheese! A cheeses stick will counteract this sugar rush and make me feel better. Damn! Just let me go to sleep. Suck on melatonin and drift off into a food coma.
This isn’t THAT big of a deal for most people, but for me, it’s generally the start to several days of this. Friday was pretty much a repeat, but with different excuses. School is very stressful right now, as the projects are complicated. I was creating a PowerPoint and I’d attempted this for several days in a row, but now was approaching the deadline. I couldn’t stand it all of a sudden! I went out to my car and got the rest of the bag of popcorn and sucked it down. Made it through the rest of the day of work fine, but felt blue because I’d blown it. Oh wait! No I didn’t! The ladies at the high school are always breaking into the closet to get mini chocolate bars in the afternoon. I’ve always politely declined. Yesterday it was ME who asked to have the chocolate break. Everyone was shocked and making comments about how funny it was that the NURSE that never indulges was in the chocolate. And it just set me up for failure. I didn’t eat the healthy dinner I had planned because healthy food was totally unappetizing. Instead I had more cookies, chips, cheese, finished the diet coke….I don’t even remember what all. Gassy, bloated, miserable. That is how I feel today. But mostly scared. There’s two days. My typical pattern would be to start out great this morning and slowly become tempted throughout the day and repeat the past two days. Over and over and over. Until total panic and disgust kick in and then I will get my shit together, but then who knows what damage will be done. It could be 5 pounds or it could be 50. Either is totally possible.
So, what am I going to do. I honestly don’t have a plan right now as I’m sitting in my bed, drinking my morning coffee and planning my day. I’m scheduled to run 10 miles, but my husband is at work and I have the kids. I could go to the gym, but the thought of running on the treadmill and being this bloated and gassy is scary. I have a birthday party at a bowling alley today. I have to work through that. I need a plan. Now.
And quite honestly, I am so disappointed in my lack of weight loss after a month of logging every calorie in and burned. I was so successful with the cleanse, dropped 10 pounds, but then only one more over the rest of the month. And the one planned cheat day put 4 of that immediately back on, finding my “heavy day” weight, which was around 7 pounds less than before, so not bad. I didn’t even weight today. I just can’t even imagine what the scale would say. My fingers are fat, my mid section is huge, my feet ache. Ugh!
Where did I go wrong? I think it was the planned cheat day. Because although it was “planned,” it wasn’t controlled. I lost control and never really regained it. I know that throughout my life, as I plan to live 60 more years, I’ll have these moments. But I’m teachable and I believe I can find ways to end them more quickly with minimal damage. Will I ever be able to have a controlled cheat day? I’m not so sure about that. So far my record is about 0%.
So, now what? I have plenty of glycogen stores to get me through 10 miles of running. I think I should go very high protein for the weekend. It will be tough and I’ll be miserable, but come Monday when I resume my AM workouts and PM classes with my fitness group, the cravings should be gone. I need to cook up some meat, get a chicken in the crockpot, look at my food list and myfitnesspal journals and plan today and tomorrow. Right now.
I’ll check back in. I’m scared because I don’t know if I’ll have the strength and willpower to get over this binge. Once I get the junk out of my system, I can quit relying on willpower so much. But for now, willpower is going to have to carry my through.
Paper, pencil, NOW. Wow, I feel better already.