Ice cream nightmare!

So today, after a two day binge and a raw WordPress blog post to myself, I felt strong. I had a 10 mile run on my daily plan and a food plan. Ice cream ruined them both. I have a wonderful husband. He puts up with me through thick and thin (literally speaking also).  Yesterday I was talking about how much I wanted a milkshake. Of course I did!  I was in the middle of a binge!  Today I wasn’t!!  He brought me s milkshake home after work.  Then he was rather adamant that I eat it. I had waited all day for him to get home so I could go run. I started to leave and he said, “take your milkshake.”  Ok….I know better folks!  I stick the straw in it and headed out the door, thinking I’d throw it in the trash somewhere. But then I tasted it and ohmygawd!  The whole thing was gone in a flash!  I was still okay because I knew I was about to go burn twice as many calories as it gave me, but then it hit me…waves of nausea, hot flashes, stomach cramps…..most ice cream makes me vomit. By the time I got to town I was so sick I turned around and drove home. 

The positive here:  I didn’t let it ruin me. I didn’t spiral. After the nausea went away and hunger returned, I ate cottage cheese for dinner and had my usual bedtime snack. My calorie intake for the day was less than 1700 calories so I’m not going to gain weight from it. I learned a lesson. My husband learned a lesson. He felt bad I got sick. I doubt I’ll get my run in this weekend, but I have a half marathon next weekend anyway, so maybe it’s for the best. I’ll do some home exercise tomorrow and lots of planning for the week. It’s all good. I’m feeling pretty in control. Maybe this binge was limited to two days. It was awful. I’m still puffy and gassy. It’s so similar to an alcohol binge I just can’t believe it.  As always, I’m sick of wasting time thinking about stupid ass food!  Ugh!

It finally happened

I thought my posts were rather boring, especially for somebody that is struggling with an eating disorder.  I mean, why would you want to read how good things are going for me.  I started with a very successful three day cleanse followed by very clean eating of only “approved foods” for the most of April.  Then I did a “planned” cheat day to try to jumpstart my metabolism followed by the worst three day cleanse I’ve every had, followed by one day of eating right and then a downhill spiral for two days.  The planned cheat day was full of stuff that I hadn’t even been craving up to that point.  Chips, butter bread, etc.  It was all good, no guilt involved.  The cleanse was a three day Refresh Cleanse by Beachbody that was given to me (thank God).  It included a mid morning fiber sweep that did nothing by turn into a brick inside my gut.  The food allowed was absolutely disgusting and had to be choked down.  I was afraid I would shit my pants during any exercise routine, which wasn’t a real risk, as I was so blocked I looked 6 months pregnant.

So how did it happen?  I’m actually trying to remember.  Ok, so Wednesday and Thursday were my typical clean eating days, but I hadn’t planned ahead to Thursday night.  Our evening activities included my group fitness class I lead, cheerleader practice, softball game and a band concert.  To keep it simple, I ended up needing to stay in the town I work in, which is 30 miles from home and I didn’t have dinner plans.  I was still totally blocked and bloated from the cleanse that ended two days prior.  Yet I was hungry after a doubles day (ran 5 miles in the morning, Zumba and core workout that night with the group).  Subway!  Why not?  I can honestly say I despise their salads and the thought of putting anymore vegetables in my body was repulsive.  I got a 6 inch sandwich, chips and a drink, plugged it in to MyFitnessPal like a good girl, put in my projected bedtime snack of two squares of dark chocolate, a T of PB and 100 cal pack of raw almonds.  I was still 50 calories under!!!  Yay for me.  Totally on track for 2 pounds/week weight loss.

My youngest opted to do band concert with mom as opposed to softball game with dad and he was brought to me hungry.  And OF COURSE the band had a bake sale fundraiser and a convenient 30 minute intermission!  I impulse purchased a baggie of three cake pops for myself.  A baggie of choc chip cookies and another of rice crispy treats for my son.  I was done!  Gone!  Miserable and happy and guilty and scared and ecstatic all at once.  I ate the cake pops, some of the cookies and bites of the rice crispy treat.  When we left there, we had to go to Walmart for a promised reward to my son for a great week.  He got a wrestler action figure, I got a great big bag of popcorn and a diet coke.  Got home late, tired, bloated, miserable and remembered the Chips Ahoy I’d had in the snack box for two weeks that nobody else seemed interested in.  Broke into those babies.  Now I feel totally sick.  Forget the healthy dark chocolate, PB and almonds.  That sounds disgusting at this point, when normally it’s a very satisfying and enjoyable snack.  Cheese!  A cheeses stick will counteract this sugar rush and make me feel better.  Damn!  Just let me go to sleep.  Suck on melatonin and drift off into a food coma.

This isn’t THAT big of a deal for most people, but for me, it’s generally the start to several days of this.  Friday was pretty much a repeat, but with different excuses.  School is very stressful right now, as the projects are complicated.  I was creating a PowerPoint and I’d attempted this for several days in a row, but now was approaching the deadline.  I couldn’t stand it all of a sudden!  I went out to my car and got the rest of the bag of popcorn and sucked it down.  Made it through the rest of the day of work fine, but felt blue because I’d blown it.  Oh wait!  No I didn’t!  The ladies at the high school are always breaking into the closet to get mini chocolate bars in the afternoon.  I’ve always politely declined.  Yesterday it was ME who asked to have the chocolate break.  Everyone was shocked and  making comments about how funny it was that the NURSE that never indulges was in the chocolate.  And it just set me up for failure.  I didn’t eat the healthy dinner I had planned because healthy food was totally unappetizing.  Instead I had more cookies, chips, cheese, finished the diet coke….I don’t even remember what all.  Gassy, bloated, miserable.  That is how I feel today.  But mostly scared.  There’s two days.  My typical  pattern would be to start out great this morning and slowly become tempted throughout the day and repeat the past two days.  Over and over and over.  Until total panic and disgust kick in and then I will get my shit together, but then who knows what damage will be done.  It could be 5 pounds or it could be 50.  Either is totally possible.

So, what am I going to do.  I honestly don’t have a plan right now as I’m sitting in my bed, drinking my morning coffee and planning my day.  I’m scheduled to run 10 miles, but my husband is at work and I have the kids.  I could go to the gym, but the thought of running on the treadmill and being this bloated and gassy is scary.  I have a birthday party at a bowling alley today.  I have to work through that.  I need a plan.  Now.

And quite honestly, I am so disappointed in my lack of weight loss after a month of logging every calorie in and burned.  I was so successful with the cleanse, dropped 10 pounds, but then only one more over the rest of the month.  And the one planned cheat day put 4 of that immediately back on, finding my “heavy day” weight, which was around 7 pounds less than before, so not bad.  I didn’t even weight today.  I just can’t even imagine what the scale would say.  My fingers are fat, my mid section is huge, my feet ache.  Ugh!

Where did I go wrong?  I think it was the planned cheat day.  Because although it was “planned,” it wasn’t controlled.  I lost control and never really regained it.  I know that throughout my life, as I plan to live 60 more years, I’ll have these moments.  But I’m teachable and I believe I can find ways to end them more quickly with minimal damage.  Will I ever be able to have a controlled cheat day?  I’m not so sure about that.  So far my record is about 0%.

So, now what?  I have plenty of glycogen stores to get me through 10 miles of running.  I think I should go very high protein for the weekend.  It will be tough and I’ll be miserable, but come Monday when I resume my AM workouts and PM classes with my fitness group, the cravings should be gone.  I need to cook up some meat, get a chicken in the crockpot, look at my food list and myfitnesspal journals and plan today and tomorrow.  Right now.

I’ll check back in.  I’m scared because I don’t know if I’ll have the strength and willpower to get over this binge.  Once I get the junk out of my system, I can quit relying on willpower so much.  But for now,  willpower is going to have to carry my through.

Paper, pencil, NOW.  Wow, I feel better already.

This feeling-hard to describe 

So…today I had to interview the superintendent of our schools. It was for my leadership and management class. I like this guy and he’s very friendly, doesn’t intimidate me when I see him out in pubic, but that was intimidating!!! I was very nervous leading up to it and was so relieved when it was over. Then this feeling hit. I was relieved, excited that the hardest part of the course is now behind me, then things I said/didn’t say/did/didn’t do kept going through my head and I basically was beating myself up. “That was stupid!”  “You should’ve done this.”  That would pass and excitement over the good questions I had come up with would hit me. All of these emotions flowed through me as I headed to the convenience store for my daily cup of coffee. And there the urge was. Out of excitement, relief, insecurity or a combination of the above, I felt a real need to buy yummy, salty, crunchy stuff. To celebrate?  To forget the “should have” thinking?  To get my brain to relax?  I don’t know but it was there and it was strong. I persevered. I got my coffee and headed to my next campus. Whew!  That was a close one. Still wondering when my next crash and burn will be and what will cause it. Will it be gradual, like just an over calorie day but still approved foods, followed by the “I’ve  already screwed today up” mentality and moving on to unapproved foods?  Or something instant like an impromptu eating out?  A fight with my husband?  The ball fields?  Who knows!  How long will it last?  Where will it put my “heavy day weight” and my “light day weight?”  Today I was 172. That’s definitely my light day weight right now. I haven’t seen below it in a good while!  I was glad to see another pound gone, but not thrilled. What will be my loophole thinking-that promise to myself or alternative plan to allow for the first slip up?  Or is it really over?  No, I won’t be perfect, but will I be able to stay mostly on track without drawn out pigging out and fat gain. I guess that’s the key. Gaining some water weight from a special meal is one thing. The absolute out of control cravings caused by certain trigger foods followed by the inability to get back on track and the subsequent FAT GAIN is what I have to end forever!  Hmm..food for thought!

Mouth watering

I can remember way back into my childhood how extremely excited I got as supper time approached. I would dance out to tell my dad it was time to eat and sing and hop back to the house, envisioning myself eating what my mom had cooked. She made pizza one rare occasion (my dad doesn’t care for pizza) and I was so excited, I had my hands up to my mouth as I was running back to the house, chomping my jaw, pretending I was eating it. I still remember it because my mom found it entertaining and giggled at me as she saw me out the kitchen window.  My mouth literally waters when I talk about or smell certain foods-and these foods aren’t fruit and vegetables. 

So tonight, my daughter baked a frozen pizza. I’m back to being a poor homemaker since I started another condensed online college course. I threw a large chicken breast in the crockpot for whoever would eat it and let everybody else fend for themselves. My mouth is watering. Over a frozen pizza. Half of it is left because she was the only one that ate it. Nobody else cares about that pizza. She has traits of food obsession but still is thin and active and much pickier with food than I was, but it still worries me. I told her to come put the rest of the pizza up so she could reheat it tomorrow and she came out and grabbed another piece and started eating it. I had to choke back my fear for her as I said, “don’t eat it just to not have to put it away.”  Another memory comes flooding back. I had kitchen duty as a child. My parents milked cows and that was just my job. I can remember more than one occasion I spooned up the rest of the hotdish (yes I’m from the Midwest) and shoved it straight in my mouth via the serving spoon. I used to have myself convinced it was because it was easier than putting it away, but now I truly believe it was the pleasure of gorging myself, for whatever sick reason, that made me do it. 

The feeling is very similar to when I start fantasizing about junk food, such as cheez-it’s  and my mouth waters and I just know I do not possess the willpower to stop myself from buying the largest package of them I can find. I haven’t done this in a few weeks now, so I’m not enslaved to that right now, but I’m living in daily fear of the next time it happens. What will be the cause?  The stress of school, on top of work, on top of parenting and spousal responsibilities?  A joyful moment?  A need for celebration?  An excessive hunger coupled with poor planning and preparation?  No matter the cause, it only takes once and it’s on. It’ll be perfect morning after perfect morning, followed by caving in by afternoon and totally pigging out by bedtime. Over and over. 

I keep thinking to myself, “do I have this figured out?” “Is this really over?” “Will there be no more out of control moments?”  Not likely…….is there true recovery?  I’m not sure. I feel like I’ve been doing great forever and should be down 50 pounds, but reality is its been 14 days and I’m still just down the 10 I lost in the cleanse…I’m still technically overweight, although nobody would agree with me that I am. My body fat % is on the absolute high of normal even though I work out like an elite athlete. It’s. The. Food!!!  As one of the bloggers I followed while quitting beer said she was sick of thinking about drinking, I find thinking about eating exhausting. A total waste of time. I used to do it with beer to. Should I?  Will I?  Why shouldn’t I?  What will it hurt?  What will my husband and kids think?  Will there be drinking there?  Will it look bad to bring a cooler of beer?  All of this can be easily translated into junk food. Will I ever eat cheez-it’s again?  I’m pretty certain I will.  Will I ever drink beer again?  I have no idea….

Sick of thinking about……food and body image!

Struggling!!

Ok, so since my last post, I have done very well. No binge eating, no junk food, I’ve counted my calories and although I haven’t lost anymore weight after the cleanse, I haven’t gained any either. But right now, I want junk!  I’ve been stuck in town all day. I finally found a chicken jerky protein bar and some peanuts at Academy I could eat, but I want junk. Lots of it. It’s Friday night. Everyone is going out to eat, or having drinks and I’m doing what?  Going home to a messy house to bake a sweet potato and salmon!  Sigh…..

I’m dropping my daughter with a friend at the fair and I need money and the easiest and closest way would be to go into the store and buy a snack with my debit card and get cash back. I guess I’ll get my daughter a snack and some cash. I’m not even doing Diet Coke because it makes me feel sluggish. 

Ok. Bought some sugar free gum. Have her cash. Dropping her off. Heading home to cook dinner. 

Update: now Sunday evening. I never published the post, I guess. The weekend went well. I skipped a bridal shower Saturday partly because I didn’t want to face the temptation, partly because I was busy. Every day is still a struggle. But I’ve made it this entire month and the end of last with no wild binges. I can do this….

Daily fears and struggles 

Well, this morning my weight is down even more. 173. Ten pounds in 5 days. I feel great. But I keep wondering when I’m going to fail. It’s a lingering fear. What is going to put me over the edge?  My sweet daughter had game day at school Friday and showed up to my campus proudly displaying the bag of gardettos she purchased for me. My emotions were so mixed at that moment. “What a sweetie,” “should I eat them to not hurt her feelings?” “What would that one bag of gardettos hurt?” Then a big fear rose in me, knowing it could hurt a lot!  I carried them home, they’ve been on the counter. Finally Brooke asked me if I was on a diet. I said no, but until I get to my ideal weight, I’m completely avoiding certain foods (I’m hoping to avoid gardettos forever, but forever is a strong word).  She grabs the gardettos and said, “so you’re not going to eat these?”  “Probably not.  Do you want them?”  “Maybe.”  They’re still there. Nobody else in this family, thank you Jesus, has issues with food addiction. Yet. I see traits in my other daughter, but not like me as a child. 

I had dishes duty as a child and I can remember that more times than not, the leftovers ended up in my stomach as opposed to the fridge after everyone else was gone from the kitchen. I cannot imagine the thousands of calories I must have inhaled each night. I can remember sneaking back to the kitchen over and over to grab another piece of whatever my mom had baked. She’s a great baker. So I get scared when I see multiple empty chip bags in my daughter’s bedroom, but at this point it’s not like me. 

My husband cooked dinner the other night. I can literally count on one hand how many times he has done that in the past several years. Sides:  corn swimming in butter sauce (a steamables) and rice-a-roni. I quickly through a sweet potato in the microwave and without saying anything took a couple ounces of grilled steak and ate it and my potato. Nobody said anything. Well, except Brooke still half the sweet potato, which was fine.

Will it always consume me?

First off, since I see a few new views, I want to make it clear to everyone that I’m not just a 176 pound person that suddenly found herself a few pounds overweight and wants to blog to get rid of it and go on my merry way with skinny life.  I weighed 208 when I graduated high school.  I was a chubby kid, always teased, called names and laughed at.  I have been successful with weight watchers a couple times, getting down to healthy weights both times, but always to gain it back.  I finally hit my peak at 265 and desperately sought out and had gastric sleeve surgery, which has helped me tremendously, but it’s only a tool and will only make it impossible for you to do anything buy lose weight for a very short while.  I’m 4 years, 4 months post sleeve and had every bit of hunger and food cravings, binge desires, etc as the next person.  When eating healthy, slow to digest foods, like meats and vegetables (you know, real food), I am limited on my portion, but give me a bag of Doritos, Cheez-Its or chocolate, and I can out eat anybody on the planet!  I promise.  I just wanted you to know who you’re dealing with her.

So, my three days of eating 3 shakes and a salad with protein for dinner are over and I feel wonderful.  But I’m still just obsessing over food.  Especially when I get the least big anxious.  And I am a very high anxiety type of person, so that’s not great.  I had my cottage cheese and boiled egg for breakfast (I did have some eggs that were fresh afterall).  I’m chewing on sunflower seeds, because it’s keeping my mouth busy and it takes me forever to eat a small amount.  I’ve logged everything in MyFitnessPal.  My macros are where I want them to be.  I know what I’m going to eat the rest of the day.  I just want to quit thinking about my next meal.  These fleeting thoughts like, “Oh, cleanse is over!  I can have diet coke and popcorn” pop into my head and I get this rush of excitement, followed by this crushing realization that no, I cannot.  A three day cleanse now and then is not going to cut it.  I’ve got to eat healthy from hear on out with very few splurges.  I spend my days thinking, “I wonder when the next time I fall of the wagon is going to be.”  “I wonder if I’ll give in and eat some of that Butter Braid I have in the freezer when I bake it.”  “I wonder if I’ll ever have ice cream with my kids again.  If I do, will it mean that I’m going to get fat again and never be fit again?”

So sick of it!

I’m also treating a hamstring strain which has put me way back in the one area that I’ve controlled, which is physical fitness.  I run.  Marathons and Half Marathons.  I do extreme workouts.  All of these things give me control over myself.  I crave it and am addicted to it.  I think it’s okay to be addicted to it, at least to the level I am.  So, the injury isn’t helping anything.  Or is it?  It’s taking away my ability to justify a lot of crap because of the calories I burn.  I think this might really be a turning point.  A time to focus on calorie intake, portion control, nutrition.  I can still exercise, it just has to be carefully planned out and it’s not my usual stuff.  My Physical Therapist said NO Insanity.  I love Insanity.  It makes me feel bad ass.  Will I ever get to do Insanity again?